A Night at the Everett Opera

Many denizens from the surrounding communities possess an erroneous misconception that Everettites lack a certain quality of cultural sophistication. They base that assumption on yet another misguided delusion that Everettites, per se, believe that no one other than themselves could possibly be any prouder, and that's why they yell a little louder. Nothing could be further from the truth.

To dispel said myth for once and for all, allow me to introduce a sample outline for a Grand Opera Plot based on life, as it were, growing up in Everett, for your enlightened enjoyment.

It is not intended to rival the works of Osvaldo Goldoni, Johann von Goethe, or any of the more notable playwrights from the Renaissance and Elizabethan periods. Nor does it propose to rival the greater works of Giacomo Puccini, or that of the master Baroque composer, Reinhard Keiser.

It shall, however, bring to the forefront a new genre in opera. This new genre is appropriately entitled, “Everettspiel,” because of its contemporary take on the German bred “Singspiel” format.

In the succinct, “Singspeil” is commonly characterized by spoken dialogue performed over music, and includes comically exaggerated characterizations.

To that end, I summon unto you, a Night at the Everett Opera.

The experience unfolds as the audience alights into the Opera House to take seat against the muffled backdrop of murmuring voices while the lead tenor exercises his larynx, the actors rehearse their lines, and the orchestra tunes up before the curtain draws.

And now allow me bid you the synopsis.

The Title: “Dour Proud und Dour Loud.”

The Scene: Everett Square.

The Time: Early 1960’s, just months before the big event that ended the “Age of Innocence” which transpired from a sixth floor schoolbook depository window on November 22nd of 1963.

The Cast:

The Everett Police Officer; Lead Basso

The fat guy from the Village; second Basso

Lenny, the singing bus driver; Baritone

Artie, the forlorn love struck teenage boy from the Lynde; Tenor

The store manager at Kresge’s; second Tenor

The Crazy Old Lady from Dern Street; first Soprano

The EHS Cheerleader from Swan Street; second Soprano

The two little kids from Arlington Street; third Sopranos

Extras include random pedestrians and motorists from the Projects, Union Street, the entire Glendale Park Association, from Main Street somewhere in between Bradford and K K Terrace, and from Edith Street Park.

The Argument: “Dour Proud und Dour Loud” is an allegory of the two sides of human nature (good and bad), ending with the grand epiphany as to why people from Everett yell a little louder.

Act 1: Our opening scene unfolds at the corner of Norwood and Broadway in Everett Square on a hot summer afternoon only days before school starts for the 1963 session.

All seems status quo with bumper-to-bumper traffic crawling in every direction while an Everett police officer concentrates on directing the flow to keep it from becoming a tangled knot.

In addition, he must prevent lackadaisical pedestrians from getting run over by Lenny, the “happy-go-lucky” singing bus driver, who concentrates more on hitting the high notes than he does watching for careless people who run out into the middle of the street.

Just as the police officer stops the north and south bound traffic on Broadway to allow the cars from Chelsea and Norwood to enter into the intersection, the crazy old lady from Dern Street steps off the curb from in front of Kresge’s and runs up behind the policeman shouting, “Hey officer, you want a friggin’ cracker?”

To which the policeman shouts back, “Get back on the curb. Are you out of your mind?”

The crazy old lady then yells, “Do you want this friggin’ cracker, or not?”

“No, I don’t want your cracker. Now get back on the curb,” he demands.

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” She shouts. “You’re not my boss. You cops think your shit is ice cream, don’t you?”

“Get out of the middle of the street, you crackpot,” the harried police officer shouts back at her again.

In the meantime, the cheerleader who just stepped out of Kresge’s after enjoying a hot fudge sundae at the snack bar before heading down to the stadium for cheerleading practice, stands aghast after hearing such foul language coming from the crazy old lady from Dern Street.

Beside her stands Artie, the forlorn love struck teenage boy from the Lynde, who was nonchalantly walking along Broadway, but stopped dead in his tracks the moment he laid eyes on that cheerleader from Swan Street.

For you see, Artie was once deeply in love with Gracie, until he caught a glimpse of her sharing a Hoodsie with another man at Mellon’s. Gracie eventually runs off to Nebraska with her newfound love, leaving Artie with a broken heart. Since then he’s scoured the sidewalks of Everett searching for his intended soul mate. He thinks he just found her.

Next to Artie stands the fat guy from the Village who is shouting to a cohort across the street about meeting up with his bookie down at the Rendezvous on Ferry Street. “After that,” he shouts, “I’ll see ya down the Stadium Café to blow the suds off a couple after I go to confession at the Immaculate Conception.”

This is all happening simultaneously as the Everett Station bus pulls up to the stop in front of Kresge’s. When the doors swing open you can hear Lenny, the singing bus driver, bellowing out somewhat of an avant-garde rendition of “Over The Rainbow.”

The crazy old lady from Dern Street is still standing out in the middle of traffic and Lenny, the singing bus driver, is leaning on the horn because she’s standing smack dab in the path of the bus. Traffic is now at a stand still in all directions, every horn is honking, and everyone is hanging out the window shouting at the cop to make the crazy old lady get out of the way.

The more the police officer shouts at the crazy old lady to get back up onto the curb, the more she rattles on and on about reincarnation, and a secret conspiracy bent on getting rid of Vargis Diner. In the background you can almost hear a group of teenagers in front of the drug store at the corner of Broadway and Chelsea singing, “The lone stranger rides on his big white horse” in acappella fashion.

As the curtain begins to close, the cheerleader from Swan Street looks behind her and sees Artie, the forlorn love struck teenage boy from the Lynde, down on one knee pleading to her for a date. All she can see is his lips moving, but can’t hear a word of what he’s saying because of all the racket. She shouts at him to speak louder, but all he sees is her lips moving because he can’t hear her either. So now he mistakenly believes that she’s shouting at him him to drop dead.

The curtain closes and applause are in order.

Act 2: When the curtain rises and the second act unfolds, only three-and-a-half minutes have traversed since the initial act began at the corner of Norwood and Broadway in Everett Square on a hot summer afternoon only days before school starts for the 1963 session.

Traffic is still at a stand still, the horns are blaring, everyone’s hanging out their windows shaking their fists and shouting, and the police officer thinks he’s about to lose it altogether.

Meanwhile, the crazy old lady from Dern Street starts taking off her clothes in the middle of Broadway. When the police officer asks, “What, in God’s name, do you think you’re doing?” She explains that when she’s naked, she’s invisible, and no one can see her.

To humor her the policeman then asks, “How am I gonna know where you are if you’re invisible?” “Don’t worry,” she tells him, “You’ll be able to hear me fart. At my age I fart every thirty seconds.” Sure enough, when she peels off her last stitch of clothing, she is completely invisible. And believe it or not, the police officer knows exactly where she is because he can hear her fart.

None of the drivers believe what they just saw so they all get out of their cars and crowd around the police officer looking for the invisible old lady. The noise from the traffic has somewhat simmered down, but now the airplanes are passing overhead in rapid succession.

They fly so low that you can almost make out the serial numbers on the fuselage, and all of the Everett teenage girls who tease their hair up into those beehive hairdos go to such extremes that they have to duck down whenever an airplane passes overhead, which is about every ten seconds.

The noise from all of those airplanes completely drowns out human thought, itself, and when they break the sound barrier, the steeple on the Parlin Library shakes. By this time everyone’s chattering in the middle of the street about how the crazy old lady just vanished into thin air and the noise is now ten times louder than it ever was.

Because the noise is now at ear piercing decibels, no one can hear what the policeman is saying. They can only see his lips move. He’s trying to explain to them that if they listen carefully they’ll be able to hear the invisible old lady fart. Since they couldn’t hear any of that, they don’t know that what they smell is coming from the invisible old lady. So now they start blaming each other. Next thing you know, everyone is running around in circles shouting “S.O.S. (Scatter Or Suffocate).”

While all of that is going on, Artie, the forlorn love struck teenage boy from the Lynde, is now down on both knees pleading desperately for the cheerleader from Swan Street to go out with him. She thinks he’s cute and is rather flattered by his chivalry, but she still can’t hear a word he’s saying so she’s shouting at him to talk louder. He can’t hear a word she’s saying so he still thinks that she’s yelling at him to drop dead. His heart is breaking.

Then two little kids from Arlington Street come flying out of Kresge’s laughing their fool heads off. They book it out into the middle of Broadway. Kresge’s store manager yells for the policeman to stop those two kids, but he can’t even hear the guy. When the policeman catches sight of those two kids running across the street he yells out to them, “Hey, you kids, don’t cross the street until I give you the okay!” Of course, they can’t hear a word he’s saying so they just keep on running and laughing.

All of a sudden the crazy old lady reappears back on the sidewalk because she obviously put her clothes back on. Everyone just stands there in the middle of Broadway gawking at her in disbelief. The noise from the airplanes has finally died down to a dull roar so the policeman tells everybody to get back to their cars so he can untangle this knot in the traffic.

The first thing he does is let the cars on Chelsea and Norwood go, and makes the north and southbound traffic on Broadway wait their turn. Lenny leans out the bus window and shouts, “You gotta be kidding me. I’ve got a schedule to keep here!”

Just when everything was about to return to normal, the “Keep Everett Clean” trash trucks pull over to the curb and the trash collectors start slamming the trash cans around. Then the fire engines come plowing up Chelsea Street with their sirens blaring. And still the cheerleader from Swan Street can’t hear a word that Artie, the forlorn love struck teenage boy from the Lynde, is trying to say.

In the meantime, the fat guy from the village strolls up and down the meridian strip on Broadway taking bets as to whether or not the crazy old lady is gonna pull her disappearing act again. Guys are hanging out their car windows waving sawbucks at him trying to place their bets. The traffic is getting all bogged down again and the cop is getting pissed because he can’t place any bets in broad daylight where everyone can see.

The curtain closes and the audience applauds.

Act 3: When the curtain raises the traffic cop finally holds up his hand to stop the traffic from Norwood and Chelsea, and then waives the northbound traffic on. Lenny, the singing bus driver, throws up his hands in utter frustration and shouts, “What have I done to deserve this?”

After the trash truck goes by the traffic begins to move along at a steady pace. As the noise level somewhat drops the cheerleader turns to Artie, the forlorn love struck teenage boy from the Lynde, and says. “I can’t hear you. Talk louder.”

Artie actually heard that and now realizes that he may have a shot here. So at the top of his lungs he shouts, “ I was hoping that you would,” and then stops in mid sentence, points, and says, “What is she doing now?”

The crazy old lady from Dern Street has stepped off the curb again and is standing directly in front of the bus. She’s got her pants undone and she’s jerking them up and down from her waist to her knees in rhythm to her reciting of the “We’re from Everett” chant.

Lenny leans out the window of the bus and yells over to the cop, “Hey buddy, you better get that lady some help. She’s dangerous.”

The policeman takes one look at the crazy old lady, throws up his hands and cries out, “Why do these things always happen on my beat?” So he blows his whistle to stop all the traffic and everybody starts honking their horns and shouting out their windows all over again.

Artie’s still trying to court the cheerleader, but again the noise level is drowning him out. So the cheerleader just shrugs her shoulders because she can’t make out what he’s trying to say. She’s gonna be late for cheerleading practice so she shouts, “I gotta go. Maybe some other time.” She then turned, and walked away.

Naturally, Artie couldn’t hear what she said. He could only see her lips move. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. When he turns around he sees the fat guy from the village hovering over him. “Hey pal,” the fat guy shouts, “What’s with you and the cheerleader? You trying to ask her out or something?”

“Yeah, but she couldn’t hear me,” Artie shouts back.

“So why didn’t you write it down?”

“Hey, I never thought of that. You got a pencil?”

So the fat guy hands him a pencil and a notepad, and says, “You ought ta know better than to try to talk to somebody in the middle of Everett Square. Now hurry so you can catch up to her.” Artie takes off running down Chelsea Street with pad and pencil in hand.

Meanwhile, everyone’s hopping out of their cars and circling around the crazy old lady again. Their shouting things like “I got sawbuck riding you, lady. Go ahead and disappear.”

So now the fat guy from the village steps in front of the crowd and shouts, “Hey, break it up you guys. Leave the poor old lady alone. She’s got problems.” He then waves to one of his friends in traffic and shouts, “Hey Benny, give this poor old lady a ride home. Will ya? She kinda confused.” The crazy old lady from Dern Street thanks him politely and crawls into the back seat of Benny’s car, and off they go.

Everyone then dashes back to their cars shouting things like, “I’m gonna be late for work.” My wife’s gonna kill me if I forget to buy that that leg of lamb at McKinnon’s.” and “Oh shit, I forgot to pick up the kids at the pool.”

The police officer then motions for the southbound traffic on Broadway to go. Lenny, the singing bus driver, let’s out with a great big grin and gleefully shouts, “Finally, my ship has come in.” But just as he shifts into gear and eases off the clutch those same two kids from Arlington Street come charging out of Kresge’s again and book it out into the middle of Broadway right in front of Lenny’s bus.

Lenny throws up his hands again and shouts, “This just ain’t my day!”

This time the police officer hold up his hands to stop all the traffic again and then reaches out and grabs a hold of one of those kids. “I got ya this time,” he sneers.

“Whaaaat?” Both kids shout back.

They can’t hear what the policeman is saying. They can only see his lips move, and that’s mainly because so many people are shouting out their car windows and honking their horns.

“I said I got ya this time,” the officer shouts.

“Whaat?” They shout again.

Then the manager of Kresge’s comes running up to the policeman shouting, “Don’t let em go! Don’t let em go!”

So the police officer looks back at him and shouts, “Whaaat?”

Now the fat guy from down the village steps out into the middle of Broadway, faces the traffic, holds up both hands and shouts, “Everybody simmer down until we get to the bottom of this!” So everybody quiets down. He then turns to the store manager and asks, “Okay, so mister, what’s your gripe with these two kids?”

“They keep coming into the store and winding up all the alarm clocks and then setting them all off at once,” he explains.

He then looks back at the two little kids from Arlington Street with their heads hung low and asks, ”Did you kids do that?”

“Yeah,” they sheepishly admit.

He then lets out with a hearty belly laugh and says, “You kids are a riot.”

“I don’t see what’s so funny about that,” the store manager shouts.

“Oh, don’t be such a pin ass all your life,” the fat guy snaps back at him. “Weren’t you ever a little kid? Did you forget what it was like? Boys will be boys. They didn’t hurt anything. They were just having a little fun. Isn’t that right, boys?”

“Yeah, that’s all we was doing,” they admit.

“Now promise me you won’t ever do that again, okay?”

“Yeah, we promise.”

“You won’t let me down now, will ya?”

“No, we’ll be good.”

Okay then, here’s a little something for ya just because you’re a couple of good Everett kids.” He then pulls out a roll that would choke a horse and peels off two dollar bills. He gives each one of them a buck and says, “Go get yourself a shit load of candy and stay out of trouble.”

“Hey, thanks mister,” they shout as they snatch the money out of his hand and take off like a couple of bats out of hell.

He then turns to the store manager and says, “You won’t be seeing those two kids any time soon. They’ll spend the rest of the day buying candy and thumbing through the girly magazines down at Sam’s Spa.”

Then he looks back at the traffic cop and says, “You better do your job. The natives are getting restless.” Sure enough, everybody’s back to honking their horns and shouting out their windows again.

The fat guy from the village steps back up onto the sidewalk in front of Kresge’s and just stands there watching the world go by. Everything goes back to being the way it’s supposed to be with bumper-to-bumper traffic crawling at a snail’s pace in every direction while the Everett police officer concentrates on directing the flow to keep it from becoming a tangled knot all over again.

Lenny, the singing bus driver gives the fat guy a nod and a waive before finally pulling away from the bus stop he’s been trapped at since act one. And just as the bus passes out of view, the fat guy from the village catches a glimpse of somebody waiving over to him from across the street.

“Well will ya look at that?” he smirks to himself. He then waives back at Artie, the forlorn love struck teenage boy from the Lynde. Only this time, he’s walking hand in hand with the cheerleader from Swan Street.

“That’s life in the big city,” he thinks to himself. “From up above we must look like a ball of confusion, much like a crowd of ants scurrying every which way. We think we’re all so independent from one another. Little do we realize how much of a role we play in each other’s lives.”

“Sure, it’s crowded. Yes, it’s crazy. And the noise is so loud sometimes that you can’t even hear yourself think. That’s okay with us. We just yell a little louder. That’s all.”

“We wouldn’t have it any other way. For you see, there’s a common thread that runs so true through our hearts that it binds us all together into one big happy family. And that common thread, simply put, is that “We’re from Everett!”

The curtain falls and the crowd goes wild.